Exchange Program from the Depths of Youknowwhere
by charles weatherby
Summary: Harry Potter and his school are subjected to the prospect of having an exchange program. Two students would go to America, and in exchange, two Americans would come over to Europe. But nothing is that simple at Hogwarts... not slash. Bware CLICHES,PARODY


Harry Potter and the Exchange program from hell/America

Harry Potter, an unbelievably unremarkable looking boy for having done such unbelievably remarkable deeds, slumped down in his desk next to his best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. He sighed out of the corner of his mouth, which caused his bangs to float upwards for a moment. They moved to either side of his forehead, and there, smack in the middle, was the famous lightning scar. Everyone was over him by now, of course; he had even made a few enemies. Not everyone appreciated the savior of the wizarding world.

Least of all was Draco Malfoy, the fantastically gorgeous but unfathomably nasty Slytherin. While Harry slumped and sighed, the putrid boy whispered animatedly to the other children in the Slytherin House about something or other that his father had bought him with the mounds of money his family had. His goons, Charlotte Doyle and her pet crab, er, I mean… Crabbe and Goyle, stood in front of the group with their arms crossed, like the men in front of the dancing clubs that are so popular these days.

Thus was the tone of a normal day in a classroom at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and wizardry, until the teacher enters of course. On this particular day, it was double potions with Slytherin and Gryffindor, a bunch that was none too fond of each other. To make matters worse, their teacher was none too fond of the students, either. Professor Severus Snape liked Harry Potter as much as he would have liked to be dipped first into a vat of scalding hot grease and then cut up in bits and fed to diseased rats living in the sewers. The few people he did slightly enjoy to have around were none other than Harry's mortal enemies, Draco Malfoy at the head. However, that's an entirely different story, and today is not the day to tell it.

No, on this day, Snape had something predominantly interesting to say, and he certainly took his time saying it. He arrived at class a spectacle in muddy cloaks and was soaked to the bone. You could almost see the man shivering in his boots. But alas, he was not wearing boots. He had decided to go for the more comfortable penny-loafers. The weather just wasn't on his side.

Setting a leather briefcase down on his desk, Severus unbuttoned his over-coat so slowly and quietly that the students swore they would have heard the second-hand ticking, had there been a clock present in the dungeons-where Potions class was located, of course. He smiled at Draco, who was sitting as straight as a metal rod, his hands folded on his desk-a scene of pure innocence.

"Before I begin class by telling you some very important news, I must applaud Mr. Malfoy on his extremely good posture and tremendous attentiveness. 20 points to Slytherin!" Hermione bristled in her chair; you could almost see little lightning bolts shooting out of her already hopelessly frizzy hair. "Down, Granger. That's a good little Gryffindor."

That fetched some guffaws from the greener side of the room. She seemed to calm down some and shot her hand up, an impatient look apparent on her mousy face.

"What is it?" Snape snapped severely, sneering as he snuck a foot up onto his desk, earning a scary stare from a strangely smug Hermione and a snicker from the rest of the students.

"You said you would start off class with something terribly important?" She still seemed oddly smug and not at all suspicious.

"I don't think that the word terribly was ever mentioned, but yes, I do, indeed."

So began the long, drawn-out news, which sparked the interest of the classroom. The information was, indeed, very interesting. However, something else that was very important was happening at the same moment. Albeit, this event was dreadfully boring, but still exceedingly significant.

* * *

"A new course is being added to the Hogwarts curriculum! It is something taught across the pond, in North America."

"Well, what is it, Albus?"

"It is called 'English'. We have noticed a startling amount of horribly crafted sentences and disgusting misspellings."

"Ah… how very lovely. Who will teach it?"

"I'm not sure yet… No one wants to volunteer."

"I see. That IS a bit of a problem."

Albus Dumbledore and Minerva McGonagall put their heads into it and tried to come up with a list of possible candidates for the new position. They had much trouble.

And now, to the interesting news…

* * *

"Why do you have to be so bloody annoying!" Snape finally roared, after almost an hour of torment by his sixth year Potions class. "If you really want to know, there are two American exchange students coming for a visit this year, in place of Hermione Granger and Parvati Patil!"

The class went dead silent, and Hermione's look of superiority disquieted many of them.

"Now, Parvati scored highest, which means that she was definitely going. Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger tied, but I don't think I could bear it if my favorite student was absent and my least favorite was left with her hand waving in my face…"

Hermione scowled, and Draco stuck his tongue out at her.

"Well, why couldn't we both go?" Draco volunteered innocently.

"Oh who bloody cares. You go too, Malfoy," Snape snaped, and threw up his hands in disdain. "Oh, I guess THREE American exchange students will be coming then. Pip, pip."

Snape slumped in his chair and sighed out of the corner of his mouth in much the same way Harry had in the beginning of class. You could tell he was demanding his brain to know why he had ever wanted to become a teacher.

* * *

"Oh my gosh! I can't wait to go! Even if Malfoy is going, it's still going to be a blast!" Hermione bounced up and down, beaming. Ron scowled angrily. They were all at the Great Hall, waiting for the so-called "Exchange."

"I can't believe that you're going to be gone for three whole months! I mean, those American boys will be no good. Trouble, I say."

"Oh Ron!" She laughed, hugging him close to her and giving him a peck on the cheek. "I'll be fine. I'm not stupid, you know." Ron blushed and looked down at his feet, squeezing her tightly before letting her go to where the oteh rtwo students were standing.

Hermione, Parvati, and Draco waved goodbye as they all held onto the Portkey tightly. They all looked like were about to burst from excitement, even Malfoy, who wasn't even trying to keep it in. And then, they were gone.

A few seconds later a slight pop was heard, and standing in their place was three very strange, excited looking girls .

"WOOOOOOOOO HARRY POTTER! LOOK THERE HE IS!" With that, they rushed at Harry, whose mouth was hanging open in not an unattractive way. While the three "Americans" were swarming over everyone's favorite boy-hero, an angry looking girl rose up from beneath the ground with a bunch of #3 pencils clutched in her fingers.

"Out, fangirls, out!" She screamed, and chucked her pencils at them in a fit of frustration.

"OW! JEEZ!" They wailed, rubbing their bleeding pencil wounds.

"Out, you babies, out! They were only #3's!" Finally the angry looking girl calmed and was able to persuade the fangirls to come back with her for cookies. Anything these days can be negotiated if there are cookies in the bargain. However, one must not ramble on about cookies all day. We must get back to the matter at hand.

But first, a look in at the search for an English teacher.

* * *

"Albus! Why don't YOU just teach it!" Minerva shouted, accidentally transforming the table into something big and hairy.

"Because I'm the principal, you stupid bitch!" He yelled, turning the furry thing back into a table. As you can see, they weren't getting very far. In fact, it was much more likely that they would kill each other than come to any conclusions about a new English teacher.

That was when someone dropped by to interfere and try to keep the two professors from becoming murderers.

"Hello Albus!" A tall man wearing a strange colored cloak and an overpowering cologne strode into the study where the topic was being… discussed. He bowed his hat. "Minerva."

"Oh thank god you're here, Gregory. I swear, something bad was about to happen."

"I have a good idea. Get Bill Weasley to teach English. Heavens knows he needs the money and he's been looking for a way to score some younger chicks."

Minerva threw herself at him, hugging and kissing him profusely. Once that little fit was over, she thanked him, shook his hand, and sent him on his way.

"Well, let's give him a ring, shall we?" Dumbledore pulled a magically powered phone from beneath his desk and automatically dialed the Weasleys' home phone number. The problem was, the only person who slightlyknew how to work a phone was Arthur, and he was out on an urgent business call. Much mayhem ensued when suddenly a hideously loud sound emitted from somewhere that no one could figure out. Mrs. Weasley fainted, and Charlie, being back home for the week, fell over from the shock of it and went deaf instantly. Bill screamed like a little girl and then ran around the burrow with pen ink up his nose. (He had been thinking when the phone began ringing, and when Bill thought it was usual to place the point of his pen right on the tip of his chin. Like his brother, he jumped and fell out of his chair, shoving the pen up his nose… which then exploded.)

After a long while of endless ringing, Bill finally figured out where it was coming from, and, being the smart little wizard he was, he also figured out that he should pick up what he didn't know was called the handset.

"Hello?" He whispered warily, afraid of what might happen to him.

"Hello Bill. It's professor Dumbledore from Hogwarts' School of Witchcraft and Wizardry." Bill instantly relaxed, and he slumped down in the cushy chair that was situated conveniently right next to the telephone.

"Oh, It's good to talk to you, Albus. What did you contact me for?"

"Well, uh, there's this new subject that I've heard is being taught across the pond…"

* * *

The students were a bit upset at the fact that a pack of Harry Potter fan girls had sabotaged the big exchange student reveal. However, they were still so excited about the upcoming event that the only destruction done was a few nasty comments and a sore bottom for poor Neville Longbottom.

Finally, after the Americans finally sorted out what they were doing, the time came to greet the three Exchange students. Each and every Hogwarts student was expecting something very exciting, like three people rising from the ground like that angry girl with the pencils, or some sort of colored smoke. However, some of the students heard a slight "plunk" noise, and others heard a "plink", but nothing to warn them that anyone had arrived. Needless to say, they were quite surprised when they heard muffled voices shouting confusedly from behind their backs.

The whole horde turned around at once, which was quite a sight, I must say, and there, sitting on the ground, were three very normal looking students. Or, at least they looked normal. Then one spoke…

* * *

"Anyways, I heard you needed some extra money and I thought you could do the job." Dumbledore finished, after a longwinded explanation.

"What job? What does a job have to do with lemon drop flavored pancakes made in pizza ovens, I'm wondering," Bill spat into the correct end of the phone.

"Oh Merlin. You're not telling that I haven't told you of our dilemma, are you?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying, sadly so."

"Aw, DAMN IT! That's the 17th time today!"

"Your point, please?"

"Could you teach a new English class?"

"I have no idea what that is, but sure, why not?"

"Sounds good. Be here tomorrow at half past."

"Half past when?"

"Half past when what?" Dumbledore slobbered.

"When should I get there tomorrow?"

"When should you get where?"

"There."

"Where's that?

There was a faint clicky noise as Bill very expertly figured out how to hang up on Professor Albus Dumbledore.

* * *

"Hello, I'm Hannah." The one with a blonde ponytail said in the oddest voice Harry had ever heard- an accent! Hannah Abbot burst into tears while everyone else marveled at her strange sounding voice.

"She stole my name!" The Hufflepuff wailed, and scuffled out of the room sniffing and blubbering into her robes.

Hannah the exchange student stood up and bounced up and down happily, making her extremely enormous boobs do the same.Neville about fell over from the shock of it, and it was as if a drool fountain had just been installed in Ronald Weasley's mouth. If her ridiculously enormous breasts were not enough to tempt the male population of the school, she was also adorned in the most ludicrously short skirt that anyone had ever seen.

"I'm Daya…" said the dark-haired one mysteriously, who was still seated on he floor of the Great Hall. She was wearing a starry silver cloak and was holding some sort of magical staff that looked as if it held very special magical powers that no one else at Hogwarts would ever even dreamed of having and could use them all with the flick of a wrist. She had shiny black hair, tied in a braid, that fell almost to her waist.

She greeted everyone by turning Hannah into a dragon and then teaching her to sit. After she switched Hannah back to being a chipper, slutty, 16 year old, the third exchange student introduced himself.

"Hey guys. Call me Jamie." The only thing you need to know about him at this point in the story is that he was definitely going to be the crush of every Hogwarts girl for the whole three months he was around...

* * *

A/n- so, whatcha think? It's my newest story for awhile... I kinda got bored with the other ones, but i will definately update them eventually. KKz, Hope you liked it! btw, it's supposed to be cliched... lol see you (I'll edit it later, I know it needs a lot because I was extremely tired while writing it.) tata for now... Charles


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